A Love Song Story

once there was a little boy named Mr. Big, and he sat by a Christ-mass tree. and he cried buckles of tears. and he wept and wept. and his wailing was heard in all directions by people, places and things.

now, these people, places and things got so bothered by the ruckus this little boy was making. so they all went to him to see if there was anything they could do to keep him from crying.

first to come by was a horny gaye preacher man. not gaye queer, but gaye haha. “brother, brother..” he spoke. “what’s going on?”

the little boy named Mr. Big looked up as he wiped his buckle-sized tears. “i loved a girl but she didn't love me back. when she left, i told her to  just take my heart, and she did.” he replied.

“lost your heart, eh? don't worry boy, all you need is a little bit of… sexual healing, heh.” the horny gaye preacherman suggested coyly.

“there’s nothing you can do.” interrupted a four-headed beatle, as it climbed down from the Christ-mass tree. it looked at the child and said, “don't listen to him. all you need is love.”

now each of the beatle’s heads had a name, and they were called, from left to right: John the bespectacled, Paul, George and Green-go. “.. love is all you need.”, the bespectacled one added.

now amongst the crowd there was a girl named Tina. Tina-who-turned-her, as she was oft called, has had her heart broken one too many times. and she got mad when she heard what the beatle had to say. “what’s love got to do with it?!” she inquired declaratively. “who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?”

and everyone else apart from the beatle agreed  to what she said, and they all stared at the beatle. and the beatle, in humiliation, broke up. but Egg Yolk O’Oh-no, who was also among the crowd, took pity on John the bespectacled, so she cared for him in the three other beatle’s stead, and the two of them left the crowd to give peace a chance.

“stop, in the name of love!” screamed a group of minstrels, all the while raising their hands with their palms facing the now denser crowd, as if to appease the growing uneasiness. “think it over!” they pleaded, but no one was really listening.

“love hurts” opined Nazareth, who was a slumbering place awoken from her sleep by the child’s woes. “i’ve really learned a lot. REALLY learned a lot”, she added. and everyone believed her because they knew of the man who once born on Nazareth’s bosom and lived and died and changed the world. and everyone started to calm down a little, though just a little.

“i would do anything for love.” murmured an envious meatloaf.

Patti the Blacksmith, hungry from her travels, crept behind the meatloaf, and gobbled him up. “but sometimes, love just ain’t enough.”, she burped. and everyone laughed upon seeing the meatloaf’s demise.

even those of royal blood descended from their palace to see the boy:

“your hurt will heal, little boy.’cause you don’t have a wooden heart.” said the King.

“funny thing for you to say, o king of mine. right after you just killed a man.” said the Queen.

“ah-huh...ah-huh....” said the Princess formerly known as Prince, in his/her usual/unusual high-pitched faggoty voice.

and the crowd gave each of their opium-onions and adder-vices to the boy, and the boy tried to listen. but each time he heard one, he would realize how useless these opium-onions and adder-vices were, so instead he continued to cry. now this infuriated the crowd even more, and they started to argue amongst themselves and their voices started to rise, and tension started to spread. and they failed to see that the boy’s tears have started to engulf them all.

“there’s a hole in his heart that can only be filled by what?!” exclaimed a group of extremists.

“perhaps love.” said John from Denver.

“but where’s the love?” asked the three little Hanson pigs. “just give it up! ’cause it’s gone in an mmmbop!”

“don’t the three of you know?” interrupted a very wet, wet, wet man. “love is all around you. just like Christ-mass is all around you” and everyone made a face and raised their eyebrows at the wet, wet, wet man, for they wondered what made him say that. none of them realizing that it was love, actually.

but before anyone else from the crowd could speak up next, the boy’s tears turned into an enormous tidal wave that drowned them all and killed them all. and the only ones able to survive were the eagles, for they could flap their wings over the rising waters. “love will keep us alive.” they said proudly, as they soared into non-existence.

as the violent waves settled down, the boy’s tears had turned the place around the Christ-mass tree into an oasis, and it had a life of its own. and it saw that there was no one else left to talk some sense into the boy, so it began to speak. “i don’t believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.” said the oasis, as it saw the boy through those teary eyes.

“maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me, i'm tired of waiting on a line of greens and blues” the little boy named Mr. Big sniffed, as he waited for the oasis to answer.

“by now, you should have realized what you got to do.” nodded the oasis borne of the little boy’s tears. “after all, you’re my waterfall.”

once the boy heard this pun and realized the oasis' wit, he began to smile and laugh, and his tears began to stop.

and the boy and the oasis became the best of friends and talked about love ’till the end of time under the Christ-mass tree. they're there still.